Fears and Tears

I remember when I lost hope. When I think back now, to what seems like a lifetime ago, I had broken up with my boyfriend of four years. I was very young when I met him and was sure that he “was the one”. The foundation was built on a lie, as he was several years older than I was, and I deceived my family. I poured everything into this relationship, but he was not all in. The commitment that I desired was not there. I turned my focus away from my family and friends and spent all my time with him. After a couple of bad break-ups and multiple fights, we had finally reached the end. The loss of this relationship left me with a low self-esteem, a feeling of rejection, and I felt that I had lost myself.

I did not know the Lord at this point in my life. He was with me, but I didn’t know that. I threw myself into things of this world to numb my pain, specifically alcohol. It was a lie, and only worked for a short period of time. It led me down the road of further despair, to deeper pain and misery. What seemed fun for awhile, was short lived and it drew me deeper into darkness.

To be honest, I have no idea how I came out of that time in my life. I remember saying – it can’t get worse than this, but it did. A couple of major things happened which pushed me to my rock bottom. I felt broken and had to return home for a couple of months. It was embarrassing and I felt like a failure.

Amen, Amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit. John 12:24

I had to rely on my parents until I could get back on my feet. I needed help and they were there for me, I couldn’t do it on my own. I am so grateful that they were there for me and allowed me to come home. Looking back, I realize that they didn’t have to. I had to get away from blaming others for my problems and take responsibility for my life. I had to grow up.

How much better to acquire wisdom than gold, to acquire understanding is more desirable than silver. Proverbs 16:16

I was able to move out again in three months to my own little apartment. This is where I started figuring out who I was as a person. I gained confidence and began to heal. I had to be alone to find Him, I had to call out to Him – Lord, it can get better. He answered me and said – yes my daughter, take my hand and let me in; I love you and care for you, put your hope in me.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. MT 7:7-8

All I had at this point was a desire in my heart, but it was enough to start a turning to the Lord in hope. He who is light, pierced my darkness – my Lord, my Healer, my hope. Just as I found hope all those years ago, may the hope of Jesus find you in this first week of Advent.

John 1:5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.