Fears and Tears

As soon as I seem to get one knot untied and freed, I am faced with new knots that are twisted together and tightly woven. I feel myself give in to the tears that flow, as I feel a deep pain and sorrow, but there is also a hope as I look back where the knots were released.

When your children are hurting, it is a piercing pain you feel in your heart, as if struck by an arrow. A few years ago, my daughter was suffering in silence. She was having a serious bout of depression and anxiety, which she kept hidden from us. She was withdrawn and quiet, and spent a lot of time in her room, which was typical teenage behavior. She would spend hours in our backyard on the swingset, swinging and listening to music. I was in the dark to what she was going through, to the darkness and hopelessness that she was feeling.

She dealt with her pain by self-harm. She started using a razor to cut her legs and arms, and would wear clothing to cover it up. The pain she felt inside was now visible on the outside, as if she was trying to release it. She also was writing about her pain on social media, using her own words, posting quotes that spoke to her feelings, or pictures that described the deep pain she was dealing with.

A friend of hers happened upon her posts, became frightened and worried for her safety, and told her mom right away. I will never forget the phone call I received that day. My husband and I were out shopping for a trip he was set to go on that night, and my phone rang. When I answered, I knew that something was terribly wrong by the tone of her voice, the voice of a mother reaching out to another mother with sobering news. She said that she was at my house with my daughter and we needed to get home immediately.

I felt dizzy, my heart was beating really fast and I had trouble breathing, I felt a terrible fear and countless thoughts were running through my mind. We were about ten minutes away and as we drove home, I felt that I was in slow motion.

We arrived home and rushed to my daughter’s room, where her friend and mother were waiting for us. There were many tears, and I heard the words, your daughter is hurting. This was the moment when the hidden pain came to light. I saw the hurt and pain in my daughter’s eyes as she could no longer go on pretending. I saw her social media posts that were so dark, and I saw the cuts on her body. It looked like she was scourged and I wept.

By His wounds you have been healed. You have now returned to the shepherd and guardian of your soul. 1 Peter 2:24-25

I remember her friend and mother leaving our house, then my husband left for his retreat, but returned home later that night to be with us. I couldn’t stop crying and cried for two straight days as I couldn’t control my emotions and the tears were endless. I looked back and saw the withdrawal, the unkempt room, not making eye contact, the long sleeves and jeans worn, the failing grades, through the tears I saw it all.

My daughter went into therapy to help with her depression and anxiety and chose to start at a new school to finish out her high school years. She is beautiful, strong and smart and fought her way out of the pit. She brought her grades up so much that she received recognition and a special award of excellence for them. She competed in the local pageant and I witnessed her self-esteem grow, she didn’t win the crown, but the personal growth was phenomenal and exceptional.

It is my joy to watch her continue to grow in confidence, in virtue and in beauty. You will do great things my daughter, I am proud of you, I love you, and I can see the crown you wear, my princess – Mom.

The Lord is so good, when I am faced with knots, He shows me that His grace is poured out and they are released and healed. He provides an abundance because I trust in Him, I let Him in, and that is enough.

If one falls, the other will lift up his companion. Where a lone man may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:10,12.