Fears and Tears

I continue on my Lenten journey with the Lord and follow Him where He leads me. It is a place where the land is dry and it is in much need of rain. The wind is blowing and there is a chill in the air. The golden grass stretches for miles and I see small signs of spring as yellow daffodils greet me and tiny purple flowers bloom.

My heart is apprehensive of what the Lord will show me and the places He will bring me. He stretches out His hand and beckons me forward. I take His hand and take a step forward with Him by my side.

Tears come to my eyes as I hear the call of a dove, whose cooing is heard from above. The Lord has called me away from my family to come into a place of retreat leading up to Palm Sunday. The retreat is called, “Hope in Difficult Times with St. Therese of Lisieux and her family” in a lovely place in the heart of the midwest. I felt a calling to attend this retreat several months ago and prayed to God to provide me a way there. God answered my prayer and provided a dear friend to journey there and back as the drive takes several hours.

At the retreat, I met many lovely people and felt blessed to be surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ. We were fortunate to be joined by three priests and two deacon couples as well as an online community participating remotely in the retreat. It was a special retreat as we learned about the Martin family.

The format of the retreat was to hear and read the letters of this faith filled family. Saints Louie and Zelie Martin, father and mother of the family, are canonized saints, as is their daughter, St. Therese. Their daughter, Leonie is on the road to canonization and became a “Servant of God” in December 2014.

I can say that as the weather outside turned to sleet and wind, and frozen rain was pelting the building and windows, the Lord was doing the same with my heart. As I heard more and more of the letters, my heart seemed to be softening.

The majority of the letters for the retreat were from St. Zelie and she wrote with the heart of a mother. I was also drawn to St. Louie, as he shares a name with my father. My father was born in the state where I now found myself and that was a special blessing to me. I spent many summers here in my youth and young adult life visiting relatives on my dad’s side. The memories surfaced of these happy times spent with family.

I was also aware of St. Louie’s sadness as his girls left for the convent and he entrusted them to be brides of Christ. It made me aware of my dad’s bittersweet sadness as he entrusted his girl’s to their husbands on our respective wedding days. My sister moved out of state after her wedding, and I would move out of state years later. It is a suffering for families to be separated by the miles.

St. Zelie touched my heart by her great faith, great love and the courage she demonstrated. Her family suffered greatly and they loved greatly always trusting in God no matter the circumstances.

She lost four children and I lost three children. It is a pain that never leaves the heart. St. Zelie writes, “My heart was broken in sorrow and, at the same time, full of heavenly consolation.”

She had a hard time expressing love, and so do I. It is that I feel things so deeply but have a hard time showing this to others. It is as if there is a block where I can’t show emotion to others even though I feel it. St Zelie writes, “I don’t know how to show signs of affection, I feel the sentiments inside.”

So many experiences touched my heart at the retreat and I give thanks to God who brought me there. I feel as if my heart has been expanded and I have been shown how to love. In the little ways and with the simplicity of a child having a great trust in the Lord.

He has given me a gift in the desert, it is a tiny cactus adorned with pink flowers. As the spikes of the cactus pierce my heart, the flowers appear and my suffering turns to joy because I am with the Lord. I feel His love for me. A blessed Holy Week to you as we journey with Christ towards the cross. May we pick up our cross and follow Him. Amen.

No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13