Fears and Tears

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When someone asks how many kids we have, I always say four. Then I have a sense of guilt, because my mind says seven. We have lost three children to miscarriage, and by saying four, I don’t have to explain the loss of the three babies. It opens up the pain that is in my heart and I chose not to go there.

My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant. We saw our baby on the ultrasound machine, we saw the heartbeat and left the doctors office with a picture. We bought a baby name book and planned a theme for our nursery – Noah’s ark. We let our family, friends and co-workers know our wonderful news. Not long after, Paul and I were at home ready to have dinner when I started having horrible cramps and stomach pains. My mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening to my body. I was losing my baby, it was devastating. Paul brought me to the hospital where I was treated with kindness and compassion. I couldn’t cry because I felt nothing, just numb. When I came home and was on the couch, my cat seemed to know and wouldn’t leave my side. Our friends send us a sympathy bouquet and my co-workers had a plant with purple flowers on my desk when I returned to work. It was touching and I cried for the first time.

We were blessed after with two beautiful babies, a daughter and son. I was always a little fearful of losing them, so I couldn’t quite enjoy the pregnancies because of the pain that was with me. I couldn’t speak of it, I kept it with me.

A couple of months after our son was born, I found out I was pregnant. Again, I guarded my feelings because of my deep pain. I ended up losing this baby and felt emptiness. I kept quiet about it and didn’t share much about the loss.

Life went on caring for two young children. This is when God spoke to me in a quiet voice. It was unmistakable and clear. He whispered in my ear – Christopher. I knew in my heart that I would have a boy and his name was Christopher. Sure enough, I found out I was pregnant, but unlike before, I had a feeling of peace. We welcomed a beautiful baby boy and a few years later, a beautiful baby girl. We were a family of four children, two boys and two girls.

Life went on, it was busy with four kids under the age of five. My husband was working full time and attending college. I struggled with depression and sadness and feelings of being alone. This was hard to understand because I was surrounded by family and friends and a houseful of kids not to mention a dog and cat. It was a sadness deep in my heart.

Some years went by, and I found out I was pregnant again. By this time, we had moved out of state. I remember Paul took me to my first doctor’s visit where we had an ultrasound done. I always had mixed feelings, bittersweet – the excitement but the fear of loss. I remember the tech told us she would be right back. In walked the doctor with a somber look on his face. I heard the words, there is no heartbeat. My heart sank and I felt the pain of our other two losses hit me. My wound that I worked so hard to bury was opened up again. The doctor handed me a book called “Empty Arms”. This was in the month of May, and the day was the Visitation of Mary to Elizabeth. I immediately got the sense that our baby was a girl and her name was Mary Elizabeth.

A month later, I went on a pilgrimage half way across the world, to a village in Bosnia called Medjugorje. I had felt a calling to go there years before my first daughter was born. But this was the time to go. It was a life changing experience with many blessings. Towards the end of the trip, I climbed Apparition Hill where there are the joyful mysteries of the rosary carved in big stones going up the hill. I felt our Lady’s presence and I prayed for the babies I lost. At the first mystery, the Annunication, I received the name Stephen Thomas, at the second mystery, the Visitation, I received the name Matthew Paul, and at the third mystery, the Nativity, I received the name Mary Elizabeth. I felt great peace in my heart and a great feeling of love overcame me.

Isaiah 43:1 I have called you by name, you are mine.

Isaiah 43:7 Everyone who is named as mine, who I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.