Fears and Tears

I continue on my way, following the Lord deeper into the desert, and I feel desolation. It is as if I move forward one step and back two steps. I feel as if a great wind has kicked up the dry sand and it is blinding my eyes and pushing me down.

St Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle, be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly host, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl around the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen

I have started reading my Lenten book choice – “The Interior Castle” by St. Teresa of Avila, and she speaks of the reptiles lurking around the grounds of the castle. I can relate to this image, as I have had numerous vivid nightmares this past week that awaken me in the middle of the night, one of them being surrounded by rattlesnakes. I couldn’t see them in the barren wasteland that I was in, but I heard their rattle, warning me that they were there.

It has felt heavy and dark this week in my spirit. I have felt tired, weighed down and alone. I learned through studying the Ignatian way of prayer and discernment, to stay with “your plan”, so that is what I have done. I have continued in my Lenten practices, persevering in them, disregarding anything not of God.

It is a battle of the mind and will to continue because discouraging thoughts continued to assail me and I felt beaten down. I finally succumbed when I spent a day over the weekend crying, which helped me get the deep feelings out and to offer them to God, not through words, but through my tears.

The darkness lifted and the sun came out, the light overtook me, and I felt the love of God. He radiated in my being, and lifted me up. When I became too weak to fight, He was with me, held me close, and cared for me. When the darkness seems to close in around me, God was there, He came near, and said “I love you” which touched my heart. Three simple words that brought my gaze to His.

I called to Him and prayed the words Jesus taught his disciples, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name, Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” Amen

God does not leave me alone in the desert, He cares and watches over me. I surrender the suffering to Him and I walk forward in trust, listening for His voice, which beckons me on and I go, following Him deeper into the desert.

Let nothing disturb you, Let nothing frighten you. Everything passes away except God. God alone is sufficient. St. Teresa of Avila