Fears and Tears

When I was on vacation a few years ago, I would take walks around the area and through a new neighborhood where everything was in order and in its place.

The flowers were beautiful, the yards were perfectly landscaped, a park was in the center designed with a water feature, and it had a pristine view of the mountains. The houses were painted with soothing colors, and had porches and patios that were welcoming and serene.

This was in stark contrast to what I noticed as I left this neighborhood, I was met with trash littered on the streets and sidewalks, broken glass, sirens speeding by, graffiti on the bridge, and articles of clothing strewn around.

The Lord spoke to me, letting me know that I had let my house get out of order, with a gentle reminder to return to Him. He was speaking to my body and soul, that was steeped in chaos and confusion.

I was not sleeping well, I was not eating properly, my anxiety had returned, and my prayer life had plummeted. I was doing the bare minimum in my spiritual life and I was lost. I was not able to pray and felt weighed down.

Looking back, I could see that little by little I had turned away from spending time with the Lord. I had gone back to the things that I had let go of; namely sugar, sweets, idleness, and lack of movement. I had fallen face first in the dirt and dust; emptiness and weakness overcame me.

I had a desire to get my house in order and return to the Lord. He brought me back in His gentle way. I prayed for wisdom and He answered me.

I will look after them for their good and bring them back to this land, to build them up, not to tear them down; to plant them, not to pluck them out. I will give them a heart to understand that I am the Lord, for they shall turn to Me with their whole heart. Jer 24:6-8

The Lord said, “My daughter, seek reconciliation, return to Me, I pour out my mercy on you. Pray and you will understand, let go of distractions, seek a quiet place, turn to scripture, and reflect on the words. Come back to your morning prayer time; it sets your day in proper order. Share your sufferings with Me, and I will heal your heart. Forgive those that hurt you, forgive yourself for those you hurt, be reconciled with them, and seek the truth. I lead to peace and tranquility, face your fears, and don’t push them away. Come, my daughter.”

I returned to the Sacrament of Reconciliation and it was a beautiful experience. I spoke from my heart, I felt the love of God come over me, and He brought me back to Him. I could feel His gentle way, His mercy, and His love. The Lord called and I returned to Him.

Merciful and gracious is the Lord, slow to anger, abounding in kindness. Psalm 103:8

After I had gone to Confession, I went to the Adoration Chapel at this particular church and it was a beautiful experience. A simple and small room, it was all I needed. The Lord was present and I was present to Him.

I felt free and had joy before the Lord; as I sat there in silence and prayer. I prayed the rosary, it was Friday so I meditated on the sorrowful mysteries.

During the fourth decade, the carrying of the Cross, I had an image come to my mind. I was walking the way of the cross, it was dusty and difficult and I fell face down. Many hands reached out and helped me to stand and continue on the way. I looked up, and with me and along the way, I saw many saints. Tears gently rolled down my face and I felt that I was greatly supported in my walk with the Lord.

I started again, with my cross pressed against me, I accepted it, and moved forward through the grace of God. He is my rock, my shepherd, and my God.

Then Jesus said to his disciples,
“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. Matthew 16:24.